In the early stages of dating, you sometimes feel the temptation to put on an act. Like pretending you’re really outdoorsy, love wild camping, or experimental cuisine – because the other person seems to.
The early stages of leadership and recruitment are… exactly the same.
We talk a lot about whether a candidate is the right fit for a business, but we rarely ask the more important question:
Is the business the right fit for the candidate?
Just like dating, it’s supposed to be a two-way thing. Compatibility matters. Authenticity matters. And pretending to be someone you’re not, as a leader or as an employee, never ends well.
It’s all an act
When I first moved into leadership, I did what many of us do. I tried to act like what I thought a leader should be. Management courses, frameworks, models – I’d seen them all. And yet something felt off. It felt theatrical, like I was stepping onto a stage to perform leadership rather than actually lead.
The best advice I ever received was simple. “Be the leader you always wished you had.”
The leaders I admired weren’t necessarily the loudest, the smartest, or even the most polished. But they were real. They gave clarity. They showed compassion. And they knew how to listen. Not just listen to respond – actually listen. They were the people who said, “I don’t know yet” and didn’t lose respect. They were the people who let me try things. And fail. But pick me back up again.
A while ago I dropped the idea of being a perfectly curated leader. No fake profile pictures. Just reality. in leadership, just like in dating, pretending only gets you so far before the real version of you inevitably appears.
The Facts
It’s fact that people work harder, collaborate better and feel more connected where their leaders show empathy, have flexibility, are honest, present, and consistent.
You can only do these things if you show up as yourself. Putting on an act only drains your energy. Energy you could be spending building trust. If you’re putting on an act there is no genuine connection.
And if you haven’t guessed yet – I’m a millennial. I started out working life surrounded by people who thought showing empathy was weak. And throughout my career there’s been a shift in mindset, catering to younger demographics, who believe behaviours and mindset are just as, if not more, important that the output itself.
Authenticity isn’t weak. It’s strategic.
Maybe you’re just not compatible
The truth is most people forget not everyone is compatible with certain leadership styles. And that’s not failure from either side. That’s just normal human difference.
In interviews, we obsess over whether the candidate is “right for us.” But candidates should be judging businesses and leadership right back. Not everyone will flourish under the same style of management or even in the same culture. Some people crave structure; others thrive in autonomy. Some want hierarchy; others want collaboration.
Compatibility isn’t about blame. It’s about fit.
And pretending to be a different version of yourself during recruitment, as a business or a candidate, only guarantees problems later. Why hire someone who will eventually hate the culture? Why pretend to
be a company you’re not, only to end up with unhappy people and unnecessary conflict? Why pretend to be someone you’re not, just to fit into a workplace that will never help you thrive?
Save yourself the drama. Show the real version early.
The red flags of leadership
The red flags of the dating world don’t differ too much from the red flags of leadership…
You never know where you stand. Hot then cold. Mood swings. Unclear expectations. Leadership shouldn’t feel more unpredictable than British weather.
You feel silenced rather than heard. Too scared to share what you think? Or your ideas don’t land? It’s likely because your voice doesn’t matter. And that won’t change.
Everything is urgent or blown out of proportion. All the time. This perpetual state of constant urgency is a symptom of poor planning, lack of prioritisation or fear led leadership.
Mistakes aren’t allowed. If you’re punished rather than being encouraged to seek learning – you’re not in a growth environment. You’re in a defensive one.
You feel smaller over time, not bigger. A good leader expands your confidence, your skills and helps you believe in yourself. Your number one cheerleader. A poor fit shrinks them. And a leader who is insecure in their own ability won’t ever put their team first because they’ll be scared they look better than them.
Occasional missteps are normal. Persistent patterns show incompatibility. Don’t tough it out. Leave the table.
Leadership is also a lot like good marketing
In Marketing, the stuff that really lands is the stuff that feels real, honest, human, and not trying too hard. People can spot a fake brand a mile off, and funnily enough, they can spot a fake leader just as quickly. The leaders who actually make an impact aren’t the ones performing “professionalism”; they’re the ones who let their real personality show up with the job title. The human ones. The ones who don’t need a script. The ones who get that authenticity wins every time.
A final thought (and some unsolicited advice)
If you’re a leader: don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Nobody likes a catfish. If you work for a leader who’s pretending, or worse - who’s toxic, be part of the change where you can. And where you can’t, find somewhere that fits who you are. The right match is out there.
If you’ve enjoyed this article, great. If you didn’t, don’t worry. We’re just not compatible.
Written by Shelley Walker, Head of Marketing, The Exeter, Member of The Marketing Society Scotland
