How to negotiate anything and everything

If everyone could negotiate better, we would have less conflict, more harmony and greater happiness in the world. We would waste less time, reduce personal stress and have healthier lives. Negotiation really is the secret of life, the universe and everything.

If you don’t believe me, think back to last night when you were locked in mortal combat with your child about doing their homework. Or to that meeting last week when tempers were fraying and it was getting pretty personal when you were discussing why there had been no progress on that IT project and blame was flying around the room.

Negotiation is not a hard skill to acquire – we just get scared sometimes because it might mean disagreeing with another person, and for many of us in polite society in general (and in client service in particular) that can feel awkward and uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with other people: it is not the end of the world. We both probably want the same outcome; we both normally mean well.

Think well of the other party – this is just an adult-level conversation to try to get both parties nearer to what they would like to happen. Both parties are equals – you are not on bended knee before your client, they have no right to be rude, dismissive or bullying. Walk in and look them in the eye – you are peers and no one has the upper hand. Or as John F. Kennedy said: “Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.”

Professional negotiators love negotiating with other professional negotiators because they know they won’t have to waste time and effort posturing, emoting, getting angry and upset or trying to persuade the other party that their view is the right view. Instead, two professional negotiators can proceed to create a deal and walk away serene, calm and happy. Ready? Here’s how to be a pro.

1. Negotiating is just using a process to move towards agreement with another person or group of people. It is not some God-given skill available only to a few. Take the right steps and you will learn the negotiation dance.
    
2. Before you go in and negotiate, ask yourself: ‘Am I ready?’ Get into the right mental and physical state – people are more likely to make concessions if you are open, warm, flexible and polite. Be prepared. Do you have command of the facts? Have you made accurate assumptions? Do you know what your goal is – specifically? Do you know what you are prepared to concede and where you are not prepared to compromise? Have you considered the issue from the other person’s point of view? And isn’t it less stressful to be nice than to be a idiot? If the other person wants to behave like that, that’s their lookout. It’s just a ploy. Recognise it as such and keep the high ground.
    
3. Don’t complain… propose. Most negotiations never get off the ground because both parties are too busy complaining about the other side, defending a position or determined not to give away their hand. This just means you go round and round in a circle of acrimony. The conversation can only move forward if someone makes a proposal. Most people want the other person to make the first move because they are scared that if they do they will get it wrong and give away too much. Have the confidence to make the first proposal. If the other person has a specific grievance, ask them to make the first proposal. Proposing has power in it, and giving others that power should only be done rarely.
    
4. Never interrupt a proposal. If you interrupt, you will only hear part of the proposal, your response will be inaccurate and the other person will know you did not listen to them. Shut up and listen until the other person has finished her proposition. Take a moment to be quiet and reflect on it – don’t immediately leap in with a counterpoint or a reason why you cannot do what they asks. Take time to consider what they have said and, just as importantly, look like you are considering what they have said. Be calm. Negotiating is better when things are calm.
    
5. Use silence – it is a powerful tool. Many people cannot stand silence; they jump in to fill it with words and in doing so they will often let their mouth run away with them and concede things. When you have finished making your proposal, be quiet. Let the other person do the work.
    
6. Move in small steps. If you are going to make concessions – and you will have to – make them in small steps. Time and again we see people go from one extreme position to another. They move from feast to famine in the blink of an eye. “We normally charge £100 for this, but as you are a new customer/ old customer/friend/have been referred by a friend/look nice etc. we will do it for £20.” That isn’t negotiation. That is capitulation. It is dangerous – you start to sound incredible, as if the £100 was nonsense all along and you are desperate for the business. No. If you are going to give, do so gently. So £100 becomes £93.50 (make it look like it has been calculated – round numbers look slapdash).
    
7. If you give, you must get. In negotiations, you do not give stuff away for free or unilaterally. If you concede something, it must be contingent on getting something in return. The best way to phrase this is: “If you do x then I will do y.” Make your concession contingent on their behaviour. For example: “If you pay us immediately then we will give you a 4.5% discount.”
    
8. Use language precisely. Untrained negotiators don’t listen very carefully to the language being used by the other person nor do they use words with care when they speak. Trained negotiators listen for every nuance and drop clues with the words they use. For example, if the person you are negotiating with says “This is the situation at the moment”, that means the situation may change. It sends a message that in the future, things may change, which might mean you just have to wait for a while. If they say, “We understand your point of view”, that does not mean they agree with your point of view. So many negotiations are scuppered because of misunderstanding. Listen out for clues (and pepper your own language with clues too): use words such as “suppose we were to do this… or that…” and ask questions such as, “Under what circumstances might it be possible for you to do what we ask?” These enquiring, hypothetical questions keep options open. They keep possibility on the table.
    
9. Stay warm, flexible and decisive. Bend like the willow: stay supple not rigid; smile, don’t scowl, but stay decisive and firm. Being decisive means you have authority and builds a reputation that you can be trusted.
    
10. Write it down. If you have reached what you think is an agreement, write it down and share it with the other person. So many negotiations fail because they are left verbal and therefore open to interpretation and people’s fallible memories. Then sit back and consider what worked well and what didn’t work so well so that next time you will be better.
    

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    David Kean is the co-founder of The Caffeine Partnership. This piece was taken from the March issue of Market Leader.