JEFFERSON: You're so vain

What I write in my tweets
vs.
What I actually mean

‘Thoughtful piece’
the author is clever (but not quite as clever as me)

‘Powerful article’
I’d like to say I agree with this, but feel the need to hedge my bets (ever so subtly)

‘Interesting view’
I’m going to let you work out whether you think I agree or disagree

‘Inspired by….’
Let me show you how creative/generous/charitable I am

‘What a lovely partner I have’
It’s my birthday, and I know I can’t say that, so here is a picture of my presents

‘Privileged to….’
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

‘Nothing like an early run/start/morning at my desk’
I am so pissed off about having to do this, I want some damn credit

 ‘After an exhausting week…’
Did I mention how hard I work?

‘BOOM!’
I am not American, but I am pretending that I am because I think that is cool

‘Nom, nom, nom’
I’m a grandmother!

‘Thanks so much to all at….’
Look at this really cool thing I’ve just done/place I’ve just been to

‘Excited to….’
I am so bored by all this crap

‘What a beautiful bit of countryside’
Get me back to London, pronto

‘U OK, hun?’
Can I show my deep concern for you during what must be a sensitive time by inviting you to tell me about it on a public platform?

‘Loving X/Y/Z’
I (probably) like X/Y/Z, but in a post-modern, irony-rich way (obviously)

‘All opinions are my own’
I am scared of my boss

Nick Jefferson is a partner with advisory firm, Monticello LLP, and a curator of The Library of Progress. Read more from him in our Clubhouse.